Wandering

Prone to wander - Lord, I feel it - prone to leave the God I love. 


It never fails when this song is sang at church, that when it comes to this line, the tears start rolling - every -- single -- time. 


There is so much truth and emotion wrapped up in that one little line for me before the throne of God.  Shame, brokenness, sadness, failure - His grace abounds to me but my flesh so badly desires to be it's own god. 


I've said more times than I care to recall my inability to empathize with those who have addictions.  I've always been able to recognize their pain, but never understood the lack of strength to just say - I'm not going to live my life this way anymore - and just do it!  I've never struggled with alcohol or drugs.  I've been exposed to it, but it's never been one of my demons.  


God has hit me over the head with a baseball bat in the last few weeks.  I have an addiction all right.  It's called anger.  Oh, what a horrible addiction it is.  That struggle to not sucumb to it - having such victories on some days - and such bouts of failure on others can zap the zest for life right out of you.  And trust me, when you struggle with anger everyone knows it - when they need a defender - you can be assured you will be the one they call for help - but at any other time, they will steer clear of you so that they don't become your target.  It's a catch 22.  And believe me, you don't acquire any loyalty for coming to anyones aide, it just doesn't work that way.  It causes you to get so wrapped up in the situation emotionally, and physically that - you wander from the God you love.  It's a crushing addiction.


I've been in a cycle of terrible failure of late - but this post is not meant to focus on my failure but rather God's glory.  I was reading Psalm 66 tonight - line 3 says "Say to God, How awesome are Your works! Through the greatness of Your power Your enemies shall submit themselves to You! - when I first read it I thought yes Lord - the day will come when all of those people who have not accepted your gift of Salvation will come to a point in which they will submit to you - but the Holy Spirit said - Why Donna, aren't I speaking to you?  The sin in your heart is My enemy!  But because I love you so completely, I will test you as I am doing now - and I will refine you as silver is refined (line 10) and you will come to know the root of your anger in my good timing.


Oh, bless our God, you peoples! and make the voice of His praise be heard! (line 8).


I pray that my life becomes - as God heals me and transforms me - a life that because of the way it is lived, not only my words but my actions as well, will shine God's praise and glory.


I am not here on this earth for my own selfish desires - but to be a pleasing aroma to my Father in heaven.


For those of you who share in the addiction of anger as I do - I pray the Lord blesses you and sets you free along with me.  Amen