Isn't it wonderful to have saints in your life? Those sisters who live out the life of faith - where would one be without them. Oh, how I acknowledge that they are the divine intervention of God in my life.
God's encouragement and blessing comes in so many different ways. Though I may feel so very lost and inept in my relationship with him at times - He never fails to be my compass in times of trouble.
While sorrows always come, it's a blessing to know joy comes in the morning!
Psalm 30
1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain [c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 "What gain is there in my destruction, [d]
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Friday, April 30, 2010
And the walls come tumbling down.....
Well, I'm very sure this post is not going to be what you expected.
Certifications complete, hours and hours of classroom time put in, TB Tests done, Fingerprinting done, background checks done, applications, autobiography's - repetitive coaching to get your car seat, crib - and line up daycare........and then it happens!
You get the big phone call - - filled with excitement - it's time to make the appointment for your Home Study!
What started as a trepidous journey, began with an uncertain excitement, but as time went on, that excitement grew to an overwhelming joy - - you finally begin to let yourself believe - THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN!
What you didn't know - and what was not communicated to you in anyway, was that the appointment you set wasn't an appointment for your home study - you were about to be told:
"You aren't a good fit for adoption".
I don't even think I can explain my feelings at that particular moment. It felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room and no one noticed it, but me. I can't speak to how my husband felt. But I can tell you that I was in such shock, I could feel nothing but this eerie, stable, calmness. I walked out of the room at the end of the meeting, feeling amazingly well. God is in control of my life, right? If He chose to close this door in my life, that was His all powerful right, as The One who has authority over my life. I'm still ok, with that part of this chapter in my life.
It was what I now refer to, as the calm before the tumultuous storm of emotion and thought.
My first thought was - WHY? Why not - have an in depth interview with us from the very beginning - BEFORE all the investment of heart, resources and emotion? Why, when we made our lives an open book, were we never pulled aside about any perceived red flags?
The biggest problem for me:
How can I ever believe again, that I have heard from God?
I prayed before I ever started this journey. During my prayer time, I was so sure I heard this word from God:
Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
As a Christian woman, and adopting from the state of Texas, I really needed to know, this was God's will for our lives. I know God's Word says we are to care for the widow and the orphan. Can you ever be wrong, trying to live that out in your life? But as I said, I needed peace from God in this journey. There was my marriage to consider. The marriage comes first and foremost.
In reading the Proverbs Scripture, I felt God was approving and encouraging me. Who better to counsel a lost child, and raise them to fullness in Him, than parents who have THE COUNSELOR inside of them. The Holy Spirit, sent by Christ to give us life, to give us safety. This child I had prayed for would not fall, he/she would have guidance, and an abundance of counselors within our church family.
I have three grown children I love immensely. I do count my blessings, that this loss isn't the same as that of a woman who has had no children. It is a mourning of a different kind.
In closing.......right now - all I can say is my heart is broken - my self-esteem has been crushed - and I can't even label why. For the first time in many, many years - I feel depressed. The wall of redemption and confidence, that has been built up in my life over the last 10 years, feels like it has all come tumbling down.
Certifications complete, hours and hours of classroom time put in, TB Tests done, Fingerprinting done, background checks done, applications, autobiography's - repetitive coaching to get your car seat, crib - and line up daycare........and then it happens!
You get the big phone call - - filled with excitement - it's time to make the appointment for your Home Study!
What started as a trepidous journey, began with an uncertain excitement, but as time went on, that excitement grew to an overwhelming joy - - you finally begin to let yourself believe - THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN!
What you didn't know - and what was not communicated to you in anyway, was that the appointment you set wasn't an appointment for your home study - you were about to be told:
"You aren't a good fit for adoption".
I don't even think I can explain my feelings at that particular moment. It felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room and no one noticed it, but me. I can't speak to how my husband felt. But I can tell you that I was in such shock, I could feel nothing but this eerie, stable, calmness. I walked out of the room at the end of the meeting, feeling amazingly well. God is in control of my life, right? If He chose to close this door in my life, that was His all powerful right, as The One who has authority over my life. I'm still ok, with that part of this chapter in my life.
It was what I now refer to, as the calm before the tumultuous storm of emotion and thought.
My first thought was - WHY? Why not - have an in depth interview with us from the very beginning - BEFORE all the investment of heart, resources and emotion? Why, when we made our lives an open book, were we never pulled aside about any perceived red flags?
The biggest problem for me:
How can I ever believe again, that I have heard from God?
I prayed before I ever started this journey. During my prayer time, I was so sure I heard this word from God:
Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
As a Christian woman, and adopting from the state of Texas, I really needed to know, this was God's will for our lives. I know God's Word says we are to care for the widow and the orphan. Can you ever be wrong, trying to live that out in your life? But as I said, I needed peace from God in this journey. There was my marriage to consider. The marriage comes first and foremost.
In reading the Proverbs Scripture, I felt God was approving and encouraging me. Who better to counsel a lost child, and raise them to fullness in Him, than parents who have THE COUNSELOR inside of them. The Holy Spirit, sent by Christ to give us life, to give us safety. This child I had prayed for would not fall, he/she would have guidance, and an abundance of counselors within our church family.
I have three grown children I love immensely. I do count my blessings, that this loss isn't the same as that of a woman who has had no children. It is a mourning of a different kind.
In closing.......right now - all I can say is my heart is broken - my self-esteem has been crushed - and I can't even label why. For the first time in many, many years - I feel depressed. The wall of redemption and confidence, that has been built up in my life over the last 10 years, feels like it has all come tumbling down.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It feels like a slow moving roller coaster.....
I remember years back, having really unbalanced emotions. Now that I am a much healthier person, I realize emotions can be healthy too. Just because I'm in a better place in life, doesn't mean all of my emotional waves get tucked in a box, and left in the closet. They travel with me, wherever I go.
The adoption process is living proof they are still traveling! I have moments of joy while I am nesting, praying for our child, and see glimpses of the future getting ever nearer.
There are also moments where I come down off my cloud of optimism, to be faced with reality.
The reality is for the next coming year or two - maybe longer depending on what God's plan is....My life and my home will be under the close scrunity of the State of Texas.
I will be faced with moments such as these: "The chip clip you have on your doritos isn't acceptable, it's open food, it must be contained in a plastic container" - - "The room may look vibrant and pleasing for the child, but you can't have those bumper pads on the crib" - - "Sorry, a high shelf isn't acceptable for your medications, they must all be locked in a box with a key - oh, sorry, I know your baby is only 3 months old - but......it's the rules".
When I ponder on these moments - I run to big Daddy God and pour out my heart to Him - pleading that He prepare me for what is about to come.
Where most days I am on the that slow steady climb to the top of the next hill in the roller coaster - and feel filled with excitement and joy - - today, I'm sliding downward a little. But, this too shall pass and I'm blessed that I have the opportunity to kneel before my Lord and have Him build up my character in all circumstances.
The adoption process is living proof they are still traveling! I have moments of joy while I am nesting, praying for our child, and see glimpses of the future getting ever nearer.
There are also moments where I come down off my cloud of optimism, to be faced with reality.
The reality is for the next coming year or two - maybe longer depending on what God's plan is....My life and my home will be under the close scrunity of the State of Texas.
I will be faced with moments such as these: "The chip clip you have on your doritos isn't acceptable, it's open food, it must be contained in a plastic container" - - "The room may look vibrant and pleasing for the child, but you can't have those bumper pads on the crib" - - "Sorry, a high shelf isn't acceptable for your medications, they must all be locked in a box with a key - oh, sorry, I know your baby is only 3 months old - but......it's the rules".
When I ponder on these moments - I run to big Daddy God and pour out my heart to Him - pleading that He prepare me for what is about to come.
Where most days I am on the that slow steady climb to the top of the next hill in the roller coaster - and feel filled with excitement and joy - - today, I'm sliding downward a little. But, this too shall pass and I'm blessed that I have the opportunity to kneel before my Lord and have Him build up my character in all circumstances.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Budget Shopping for my Future Child
Below are some pictures of the items I purchased on my weekend shopping spree.
This is a Graco Pack N Play that I scored for $40.00. It is in perfect condition!
Walker $15.00
EvenFlow Stroller w/Shock absorbers - cup holders, diaper wipes holder, under carriage storage - lays out flat, canopy - over all excellent stroller - Cost you may ask? $30!!!!!
Mobile $2
Playmat - musical, the little attachments twirl around - $5
Various clothing - most items a quarter, some 50 cents, a few $1 items - and the last item the really plush huggie coat with the split for the car seat $3.
I must tell you - it is a great feeling knowing I am being a good steward of my money, while all the while proactively providing for the gift God is going to place in our home. Lord, THANK YOU for your provision!
This is a Graco Pack N Play that I scored for $40.00. It is in perfect condition!
Walker $15.00
EvenFlow Stroller w/Shock absorbers - cup holders, diaper wipes holder, under carriage storage - lays out flat, canopy - over all excellent stroller - Cost you may ask? $30!!!!!
Mobile $2
Playmat - musical, the little attachments twirl around - $5
Various clothing - most items a quarter, some 50 cents, a few $1 items - and the last item the really plush huggie coat with the split for the car seat $3.
I must tell you - it is a great feeling knowing I am being a good steward of my money, while all the while proactively providing for the gift God is going to place in our home. Lord, THANK YOU for your provision!
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