And the walls come tumbling down.....

Well, I'm very sure this post is not going to be what you expected.

Certifications complete, hours and hours of classroom time put in, TB Tests done, Fingerprinting done, background checks done, applications, autobiography's - repetitive coaching to get your car seat, crib - and line up daycare........and then it happens!

You get the big phone call - - filled with excitement - it's time to make the appointment for your Home Study!

What started as a trepidous journey, began with an uncertain excitement, but as time went on, that excitement grew to an overwhelming joy - - you finally begin to let yourself believe - THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

What you didn't know - and what was not communicated to you in anyway, was that the appointment you set wasn't an appointment for your home study - you were about to be told: 

"You aren't a good fit for adoption".

I don't even think I can explain my feelings at that particular moment.  It felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room and no one noticed it, but me.  I can't speak to how my husband felt.  But I can tell you that I was in such shock, I could feel nothing but this eerie, stable,  calmness.  I walked out of the room at the end of the meeting, feeling amazingly well.  God is in control of my life, right?  If He chose to close this door in my life, that was His all powerful right, as The One who has authority over my life.  I'm still ok, with that part of this chapter in my life.

It was what I now refer to, as the calm before the tumultuous storm of emotion and thought.

My first thought was - WHY?  Why not - have an in depth interview with us from the very beginning - BEFORE all the investment of heart, resources and emotion?  Why, when we made our lives an open book, were we never pulled aside about any perceived red flags? 

The biggest problem for me:

How can I ever believe again, that I have heard from God? 

I prayed before I ever started this journey.  During my prayer time, I was so sure I heard this word from God: 

Proverbs 11:14  Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. 

As a Christian woman, and adopting from the state of Texas, I really needed to know, this was God's will for our lives.  I know God's Word says we are to care for the widow and the orphan.  Can you ever be wrong, trying to live that out in your life?  But as I said, I needed peace from God in this journey.  There was my marriage to consider.  The marriage comes first and foremost.

In reading the Proverbs Scripture, I felt God was approving and encouraging me.  Who better to counsel a lost child, and raise them to fullness in Him, than parents who have THE COUNSELOR inside of them.  The Holy Spirit, sent by Christ to give us life, to give us safety.  This child I had prayed for would not fall, he/she would have guidance, and an abundance of counselors within our church family.

I have three grown children I love immensely.  I do count my blessings, that this loss isn't the same as that of a woman who has had no children.  It is a mourning of a different kind.

In closing.......right now - all I can say is my heart is broken - my self-esteem has been crushed - and I can't even label why.  For the first time in many, many years - I feel depressed.  The wall of redemption and confidence, that has been built up in my life over the last 10 years, feels like it has all come tumbling down.